What if

What if, when u finally got free from work..u called but no one answered...what if the choice had been simple but...u were late

As the year ends...i urge you to take a pause...and wonder what your priorities are in life...

for most things that we take for granted are the ones we care about most...but realize it only when they are gone...but then u can do nothing about it

pause now...take a look...for most of us our lives aren't ruined by a terrorist from outside...most families get destroyed by themselves

Praying for happiness for each one of you wonderful people out there...

may god be with u...happy new year :)

if only i couldn't write this post

heading towards my friends reception in goregaon...the auto wallah got challaned by the police for jumping a red light (no i hadn't asked him to)...which surprisingly made him drive even more rash...

and no i didnt stop him...infact i hoped that at one of his dangerous maneuvers he would misjudge the breaks or somebody else would not react in time enough

and i wouldn't have to write this post

no i'm not contemplating suicide...this ain't hero heeralal
let me put it this way if i were in a hold up
i would fight the robber cause that's the correct thing to do
fight against injustice
but if he managed to pull a gun on me and press the trigger...
i wouldn't dodge the bullet

every day people get up and well some of them have something to look forward to
i don't...
i don't find diwali joyful
i could really count the number of times in the year that i have laughed
i am those of the generation who are lost
i exist for the responsibilities i have...

of a man in debt (education loan)
of a son
of existence (having consumed the world's resources for 26 years)

i must repay my debt...so that i can be a free person...unbound and unjudgeable

funnily u know there are drugs that can stop these thoughts...i know since i've taken them at one point of time...legally

but i don't want to...cause these thoughts are what make me...

the best murder mystery and i am hoping at least this is something i am first at...
is where the author...plots his own death

Happy new year everyone...see u on the other side


(p.s. don't get hyper...like i said i'm not doing a hero heeralal)

a bit of conversation

Lumin: i dont usually put my picture to any of my profiles btw.. :P

MystiqueW: how scared are u of the world

Lumin: :P
i am not worried about the world.... :P

MystiqueW: but u r afraid of it

Lumin: why???

MystiqueW: well ask ureself...why do u never put ure foto up on any of ure profiles

Lumin: because i dont do that....

MystiqueW: we know the 'what'...its the 'why' thats more interesting

Lumin: htat's your new status msg..... :P

MystiqueW: i thought it was interesting enuf for tht

Lumin: :)
good... :P

MystiqueW: that doesnt mean u can skip the question

Lumin: :P well....
i am much of a back stage person.. i dont like coming on stage... i like doing the things like directing or creating etc....

MystiqueW: have u seen a flower?

Lumin: yup.. why??

MystiqueW: u see how it has petals outside
and deep inside is the stemen...with the seeds\\

Lumin: yup...

MystiqueW: logic is like that...
u start with statements
and then u question those
till u reach the depth

Lumin: hm.. i dont get your point...

MystiqueW: so ure first reaction to my why is like the outermost petals of the flower
u must keep questioning those
to know ureself better
like why do u like to be back stage
and then another why
and then another

Lumin: :) hm... nice...

MystiqueW: another name for truth is silence...when there are no more questions left
its also called meditation

Lumin: and i got a why too... :P why does that interest you???
ok...
MystiqueW: why does this world interest me?
its a beautiful piece of art...which i'm a part off
i'm just trying to appreciate it better

Lumin: :) ok.. that's very poetic.. :)

MystiqueW: :)

Lumin: :)

Lumin is one of the many people i meet randomly on the net and end up talking too

duur hai tu

koi toh wajah hogee ki tu abhi tak mere aahosh mein naee
koi toh wajah hogee ki tu phir chup sahee

ae khuda, ab kya tujhe paane ke liye
khudaa se hi baat karni padegi

A deeper sound

even at this 'grown up' age
there are times when i feel
helpless and lost
when my strengths seem missing
and my weaknesses are playing their cards
in those moments of agony
i look forward to hearing a sound
a sound that will tell me everythings gonna be ok
and even though i have never heard that sound
i have felt u do things for me
and said here is the chance u had asked me for
now show me what u can do and make me proud
and though i have faltered almost everytime
even on those
it seems you haven't given up on me
thanks for being the confidence i dont have
thanks for being the deeper sound that i can't hear

addendum

..."i miss u"...three words from her...three words i've been waiting to hear for weeks now...all it took to put me out of misery...

we spend our live times thinking about work, about world, about the bills we are going to pay...but the one thing what matters the most to us...our happiness...we take for granted...whilst that is what should get a fair share of attention...make the people who make u happy...happy...after all its their smile which will be seen on ure lips

of tales of love

i'm angry...

i'm angry with life

its one thing to not be able to meet someone u like

its another to meet someone who has already found somebody before u met them

but what do u do...when u find somebody u really care for...but they won't let u in...and they won't care back...

i don't know when was the last time i was pissed...or probably i've been pissed the last few weeks...but i havent let it all out...

i am more so angry because its not like she's happy and i'm just butting into her life...she won't let happiness come to her...and then she cribs as to why she's sad...

it reminds me of the whole story of the drowning guy who refuses to board a boat coming out of nowhere coz he says god will save him...and then when he dies and asks god why didnt he save him...he says dude...who do u think sent the boat

i'm angry because she was probably my boat...and while it seemed she was coming to rescue me...it seems she was just floating nearby and i had just raised my hopes up...

i'm angry because i think of her all the time...and i mean all the time...but i cant see her thinking abt me...

i'm angry because its not a toy that a bully has taken who i can fight with to get mine back...

i just hope that its because she doesnt like something in me...that way atleast there's a reason i can understand

i'm just angry now...very very angry...

and sad...and heartbroken...

my love affair...

I haven't been with her for long
but ours is a bond unbroken
she keeps busy with her day to day life
but i know she years for me everyday
as i yearn for her
and when we occassionally catch up
she flirts with me as she did when we first met
playing it subtle at moments
or roaring for my attention
a soothing voice in either tone
she talks to me and wonders
that didn't i miss her...what took me so long
her smooth surface is eager to rub againt mine
she is a demanding one
whilst she cuddles me in the evening and does general chatter
in the mornings she wants me pumping and sweating
and tired i fall in her lap
and i realize how much i love her
how much she loves me
there is happiness and peace
and not that we dont fight
oh sometimes she grows dark and angry
she scares me when she's so fiery
but i know beneath all that rage
is a woman who wants to be loved
and of all the girls i have known
she's the one i think simplest to understand
her wants are primial and on the face
her love is easily felt
its a three year old love affair
and it still continues...

after months i came back to juhu beach
and my babe was as lovely as ever infact i think she looks better than last time, there's a mini garden also there now :)

life is a bitch

not that i havent said this before...

but this time...i can prove it

till about a month and a half back...

i had seemed to have found the girl i had been waiting for all my life...my swan...
job was going okish...the only piece of the jigsaw which seemed to need a little working
and by the next month's pay my bank balance would have been positive enough to give that basic level of comfort where you feel you can afford an expensive drink without having to think twice about it.

And then there is today

The girl is lost in her own world, her own conflicts...between her world and mine...there is but just a mumbling of words sometimes...i have no idea wats playing on her mind and heart...and i doubt she knows watz on in mine

The entrepreneurial venture bro was in...has shut down and the bad economy means till about three months back the people who were willing to pay double his wages...don't even have an opening...which also means that we are in a precarious situation given the high home loan emi which has to go out each month...and all our resources need to be pooled in to ride out the drought...

And granpa passed away last week...which hath brought with itself much grief and other issues...

Funny how in a month the tide can change so bad...u think that now finally the jigsaw is going to solve and u find somebody messes the pieces up all again...and u wonder whether its all in vain...whether it will ever solve...whether there will be a time u will say hey life's good now

but whoever's messing up my jigsaw...if they think that one day i'm gonna give in...well they don't know the khukhraan blood in me...i will fight the battle...i like the taste of blood...and i will either win or go down fighting...u keep trying to mess up the jigsaw...i will find ways to solve it...

gud luc to u...life...gud luc to u

a little bit of maths...a little bit of life

ok this issue of unhappy people, couples and families has been bugging me lately...And like for most things i take the help of my dear friends Maths and Logic to help shed some light on these.

And hence today we call upon Mr. Parreto and his law to help us out albeit with some modifications. For those uninitated the Parreto law says that 80% of things can be attributed to 20% of the causes. The figure can vary the 80:20 is not a etched in stone figure...its more about the spirit than the word.

So lets start with the diagnosis. How does one label oneself or a relationship happy. If for 80% of the time you are happy, happy wid your partner, having happy conversations with your family...then you are well...happy. The question you will be asking is how do i measure it...well one day spend some time observing your conversation or the conversations happening in your family, if they are lighthearted banter, serious banter, anger, disputes etc etc. Repeat this three or four days with gaps inbetween...it should throw up some light on your state...

So the next question is what if one is not happy (if u r happy then well move to another post...or come claim ure eclairs from me :) )...well then here is where the parreto and his law really comes into use...most of your troubles according to this law would be coming from a few couple of things...

I will not be addressing the breadth of issues that could possible plague u...but just one...taking life too seriously...most of the things we are serious about...in the long game of life...are actually trivialities...in school it was what if i fail, what if i don't get through iit jee, what if i am not selected in the school team, not to forget the horrid times girls went through over pimples...when you grow up the ever increasing peer pressure, the whole thing about feeding ones family, building a home, job, boss, pay raises, expectations of relatives, expectations of society.............if you let things bugger u down...they will bugger u down...if u try...u can take the burden of the atlas on your shoulders...but really the atlas will survive even if u didn't...it did so before u came on earth and after u leave...

Ok i'll help with another one...a quickie...fights...most people fight...because they don't listen and they don't try and put themselves in the other person's shoes...

So why am i preaching all this...well cause this is what i try and live by...and because bhai and bhabhi have been at each others necks for a few days now... :P

and i don't like ppl being unhappy...smile...spread miles of smiles...

(btw it ain't easy...going thru a lot of heartburn on many accounts these days...then i remind myself...eno khaao kaam pe chalo :)

smile ppl...we are god's painting...lets make it beautiful

give in, into love

love isn't as simple as it sounds...and quite often it doesnt get the priority it shud...these are my tears...when i see the world this way

when warmth is all that you want
and they try and barter you the world
when a hug is all you need
the world doesnt work...a single person is wat goes

when time flies
round and round and thoughts get entangled
and u find that u r tired of it all
that what came to u at the end...is what should've been there all along

when love is all that i want
why do u think anything else will work
i need someone who will give me the attention
when it requires u to lose...why are u still hung up on being in control

http://catastrophonix.blogspot.com/2008/12/give-in-into-love.html

bye bye granpa

night before yesterday granpa began his journey into the next dimension

a wake up call at 3 a.m. jolted me awake into looking back and also looking forward...and somehow both are not an easy thing to do...

unlike granma whose love comes out in cribs...granpa's love came out as pampering...ever since we were youngsters who treaded through granma's vegetable garden all i can ever remember is granpa pampering us..ofcourse in his style...which meant...being treated to goats milk as well :P ...though what i remember most of my trips to ddun as a child was sleeping with grandpa in his huge bed and he would tell me stories (bro was 4 years elder..so he had kinda outgrown that age

he was working till about a month back...at 93 thats an achievement...work was his life...or as he would call his office...kopbhawan :P

mom tells me he was fond of animals...which doesn't translate into a dog btw...it means at different times he had a goat,a monkey, a cat, and a parrot...that is so ultracool...

he was also a fighter...i think he cleared his bar in the 3rd attempt...and he had been fighting various illnesses that have been plaguing him for years now...

when i look forward to my death...i don't wanna go this way in a hospital or a bed...creeping away...i'd want to go one of the following ways... 1. praying and meditating 2. out travelling across the world 3. partying 4. riddled with bullets or lathis while fighting for a cause right in the middle of a road...and once i'm gone i want a huge party thrown...i dont want to give a reception on my marriage but i want a huge one when i'm gone...death i believe is a celebration...of a succesful life and the beginning of a new journey...while we may miss the people who leave us...let us remember them with a tear in the eye and a smile on our lips...lets raise a toast to the champions who have left us...bye bye granpa...you are now one with god :)

my election manifesto

A lot of people are praying in silence, some are wearing white shirts, or ribbons or lighting candles...thats not me...this is my way of paying my respects to those who passed away...this is what i want to do... I don't know if i will ever be able to...probably in that sense the people lighting the candles are more action oriented...but this is me...this is my tribute...my dedication...my election manifesto...the first draft from an airport lounge so please forgive its crudeness or lack of detail...and please help add to it

1. The War against unrest (internal and external):
a. Education: Build new schools especially in naxalite or terrorist prone areas, strengthen the existing structure with focus on teacher development
b. Employment opportunities: Investment in
i. Rural infrastructure building: (sanitation, electrification, water, teaching)
ii. Environment development and green tourism: re-green-ification, re-hydration, heritage maintenance
c. Security
i. Police: making police force independent of the state political machinery similar in structure to the armed forces
ii. Investing in advanced equipment for both armed forces and police
2. Governance
a. Corruption: Strengthening CAD (comptroller auditor general) to develop an audit system for all transaction based roles
b. One India ID: Integrate the pan card and voter id into one common id to be used consistently across India to identify people.
c. B-plan based system: All annual planning to be based on a b-plan(with social, economic returns) based systems including setting KRAs top down.
d. Regulations:
i. Gambling: Legalizing and regulating gambling and ensuring all operators are registered.
ii. Prostitution: Similarly legalizing and regulating prostitution
1. Strict norms of operation
2. Program to provide rehabilitation options to existing sex-workers
3. Making child trafficking a crime punishable by death
3. Equality
a. Opportunity provisions: Changing over from the reservation based system to equal opportunity, providing opportunities to the underprivileged ones to develop as well as the privileged ones.